Hey dating daredevils! Your favorite chaos coordinator here – the person who once spilled an entire margarita on a date’s lap and tried to blame it on “atmospheric pressure” (he bought me another drink… and then blocked me). After surviving 47 first dates that felt like improv comedy shows gone wrong, I’ve discovered the secret to keeping conversations alive without resorting to reciting the periodic table. Buckle up for my unapologetically chaotic guide to first-date survival.
- The “Emergency Conversation Kit” You Didn’t Know You Needed
My early dates involved more awkward silences than a mime convention. Now I prep like I’m going into battle – but with better snacks.
Must-have weapons against awkwardness:
The “Would You Rather” Grenade: “Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized lawyers or one lawyer-sized duck?” Instant personality test.
Food Hot Takes: “Pineapple on pizza is a crime… change my mind.” Watch them either high-five you or reveal their villain origin story.
The Time Travel Test: “If we could teleport anywhere right now, where would you drag me?” (Bonus: If they say “my childhood bedroom,” RUN.)
Pro Tip: Keep a list of absurd hypotheticals in your phone notes. My personal favorite: “If your life had a theme song that played when you entered rooms, what would it be?” Spoiler: One guy answered with the Law & Order “dun dun” sound. Married him.
- How to Look Like You’re Listening (When You’re Actually Planning Your Escape)
We’ve all mentally redecorated our apartments mid-date. Here’s how to fake engagement like an Oscar winner:
The Nod-and-Pivot Technique:
Nod slowly while they talk about their cryptocurrency portfolio.
Identify a random word to hijack (“Oh, you mentioned Bali! Ever gotten food poisoning from street meat?”).
Watch them light up as you “magically” shift to their passion topic.
Advanced Move: If they mention their ex, widen your eyes and whisper “That’s… shockingly normal behavior” like a therapist. They’ll either laugh or confess to arson. Either way, entertainment!
- The Art of Strategic Vulnerability (Oversharing Without the Cringe)
I used to trauma-dump like a broken piñata. Now I practice “snackable vulnerability”:
TikTok-sized truth bombs:
“I once cried during a car insurance commercial – but only because the jingle slaps.”
“My spirit animal is a raccoon that’s learned to use Uber Eats.”
“I will fight anyone who disses the original Hannah Montana movie. This is not a drill.”
Golden Rule: Share weirdness in threes – one quirky fact, one mildly embarrassing story, one relatable insecurity. They’ll either match your energy or write a Reddit post about you. Win-win!
- Escape Hacks That Don’t Involve Fake Allergies
My old exit strategies included pretending to speak Klingon. Here’s my upgraded playbook:
Classy Bailout Lines:
“This has been unexpectedly human of you! Let’s quit while we’re ahead.” (Smile like you’ve just bestowed wisdom.)
*“I’d love to continue this debate about cereal milk… over text. * slides phone across table ”
The Reverse Ghost: Send a voice memo post-date saying “My cat hacked my phone! Did I miss anything important?”
Nuclear Option: If they’re terrible, text “You’re interesting in ways that make me question reality” and block them. Then write a screenplay about it.
- How to Salvage Any Date Disaster for Instagram Fame
That time I accidentally called my date “Mom”? Now has 200K TikTok views. Here’s how to monetize awkwardness:
Content Mining 101:
Live-Tweet the Date (discreetly): “Update: He just ordered a salad… with 12 sides of ranch. Send help.”
Create a Bingo Card: Squares like “mentions crypto,” “makes eye contact with waiter,” “says ‘I’m not usually like this’.”
The Redemption Arc: Post a follow-up video: “We recreated the margarita spill… with 200% more tequila.”
Pro Tip: Always get their consent before posting. Or don’t. I’m not your lawyer. (But maybe become their lawyer’s problem instead.)
Your Mission:
Next first date, try ONE of these:
Casually mention you’re writing a memoir and take notes on their reactions.
Challenge them to a silent disco using airpods (play different songs).
End with “Well, that was… an experience” followed by a chef’s kiss.
Remember: Dating isn’t about being perfect – it’s about being interesting enough to survive the group chat retelling. Now go forth and make bad decisions thoughtfully!
Catastrophe Confession Booth: Drop your best/worst first-date horror story below! The top 3 trainwrecks get featured in my “Dating Disasterpiece Theater” podcast (prizes include a “I Survived Tinder” bumper sticker).