Hey disaster daters! Your favorite romance guinea pig here – the person who once accidentally sent a voice note roasting my date’s haircut… to the date themselves. (Spoiler: They replied, “At least I have hair.”) After surviving a guy who brought his emotional support fidget spinner to dinner and a woman who analyzed my palm lines like a Walmart fortune teller, I’ve mastered the art of dodging dating landmines with some dignity intact. Let’s talk survival tactics for the chronically relatable.
- The “Ex Files” Interrogation: A Masterclass in Deflection
We’ve all been there. Mid-sip of wine, they hit you with “So… how’d things end with your last partner?” Cue internal screaming.
Escape routes for the emotionally ambushed:
The Celebrity Treatment: “Oh, we’re still friends! They’re in Belize now… studying sea slugs… or was it NFTs?” (Vague + absurd = topic change.)
Philosophy Mode: “You know, relationships are like IKEA furniture – sometimes you lose the hex key mid-build.” Smile wistfully. Refuse to elaborate.
The Uno Reverse: “Why? Are you writing a memoir?” Deliver with a playful eyebrow raise.
Pro Tip: If they persist, sigh dramatically and whisper, “I’d need a therapist and a tequila flight to unpack that.” Works 97% of the time.
- The “Are We Vibing?” Checklist (Because Subtlety is Dead)
Modern dating’s eternal mystery: Do they like me or just love free appetizers? Here’s my fool(ish)proof vibe detector:
Green Flags They’re Into You:
Laughs at your terrible pun about guacamole (“That’s nacho best joke”).
“Accidentally” orders the same drink as you.
Sneakily pays for your parking ticket “just because.”
Red Flags They’re Mentally Writing a Yelp Review:
Checks phone every time you blink.
Says “interesting” more than a museum tour guide.
Suggests splitting the bill down to the penny (including the mint they pocketed).
Nuclear Option: Casually mention you’re training for a marathon. If they ask “Which one?” – keeper. If they say “Cool” and change the subject – ghost the marathon and them.
- How to Recover When You Call Them the Wrong Name
True story: I once called a date “Brenda” for 45 minutes. Her name was Jessica. Her mom’s name was Brenda. Here’s my redemption protocol:
Damage Control 101:
Gaslight Lightly: “Wait, Brenda’s my cactus! Did I say that out loud?”
Bribe with Dessert: “I’ll buy you a chocolate lava cake if you pretend I didn’t just summon a demon.”
Full Send: “Let’s start over. Hi, I’m [Name]. You have beautiful… elbows.” (Works best if you actually admire their elbows.)
Pro Tip: Memorize their name by associating it with a ridiculous image (“Jessica = Jedi with a pet squid”). You’ll forget nothing… except how to be normal.
- The “What Are We?” Talk (Without Sounding Like a Hallmark Villain)
Ah, the dreaded DTR (Define The Relationship) chat. My old approach involved PowerPoint slides. New strategy? Casual chaos.
Stress-Free Scripts:
The Food Metaphor: “So are we sushi – raw and exciting – or meatloaf? Comfortable, but maybe under-seasoned?”
The Group Text Test: “If I post a selfie of us, will your ex’s cousin slide into my DMs?”
The Reverse Psychology Play: “Just so you know, I’m emotionally prepared for you to vanish like a Snapchat message.” Cue their frantic reassurance.
Bonus Move: Text them a Spotify link to “What Are We?” by Ingrid Andress. If they respond with heart-eyes, lock it down. If they send a 🥴 emoji, run.
- How to Ghostproof Your Dating Life (Become Unforgettable in 3 Steps)
After being ghosted by someone who swore we had “cosmic alignment,” I now weaponize weirdness.
Be the Story They Can’t Ignore:
Leave a Quirky “Artifact”: “Forget” a single novelty sock (“Keep it – it’s been to the Grand Canyon”).
Plan a Date So Specific It’s Suspicious: “Let’s find the city’s worst-rated taco truck and defend its honor.”
Master the Post-Date Text: “You: 10/10. Me: Still processing why you smell like my childhood librarian.”
Pro Tip: Send a voice memo singing their name to the tune of Happy Birthday. They’ll either block you or propose. No in-between.
Your Mission:
Next date, try ONE of these:
Casually reveal you have a “nemesis” (bonus if it’s a seagull).
Challenge them to a thumb war during dessert.
End with “Well, you’re not a serial killer… probably.”
Remember: Dating isn’t about avoiding chaos – it’s about curating chaos with someone who laughs when you snort.
Catastrophe Confession Corner: Spill your most face-melting dating moment below! The winner gets a virtual high-five and my secret Google Doc: 101 Ways to Describe Your Ex Without Crying.